The balance in change.

I’m confused. Its Spring, right? Supposed to be balmy and breezy. This whole week has been super sunny and hot. Next week is forecasted to be the same. In 2018 this time of year it was in the lower seventies. (I know, I checked to be sure.) We have the breeze part. In fact, it’s been downright WINDY windy! Regardless Spring has sprung and its messing with me this year.

How can a season mess with you? It’s not as though it’s shoving me around or calling me names, but some of us are affected by the seasons and time changes more than others. I can definitely say my emotions are a bit tied to weather and seasons changing. My depression gets a little worse during the winter and when we “fall back”. Something about getting up for work in the dark and not getting home from work until after dark runs me low. I’m one of those people affected by the full moon and whom is mesmerized by the tides. Spring for me however usually just comes and goes other than “springing forward”, which annoys me. I think its mostly because Summer is my favorite time of the year, and Spring is delaying my happy every year, lol! Never been big on “spring cleaning”, or projects and plants and blooms and blossoms.

This year is different. Can’t say why really. I’m still not all blossoms and blooms, but there is a definite restlessness in my spirit that isn’t normally there. Perhaps it’s the Panny-D-damn-emic dragging on into forever-ness. Maybe (in fact likely) it’s the feeling of a lost year of life since this time last year is where I really started to feel all the changes Covid was bringing. Where in the Sam Hill did 2020 go? And what the fuzz did I do besides work? What’s bringing all this shittery up now? Whatever it is, spring is springing some stuff on my psyche this year.

I’m restless and bored at the same time. I have anxiety about whatever unknown thing I keep feeling is coming, and yet, I also don’t give a damn about it. Bring it on. Ready to change everything in my life from my hair length to cutting out some of my associations and relationships. Looking for balance in the chaos of my emotions. I’ve been missing balance for a long time! Most of my days are mired in frustration and full of deep heavy theatrical sighs and metaphoric tearing my hair out. Being a nurturer by nature means fairly often everyone and everything else generally comes before me and then I throw myself a bone in the form of new shoes, or new make-up I hardly wear, get a massage and call that self-care. It’s not really self care. I know it. It’s the reason I cringed a little even as I typed that I “throw myself a bone”. It’s also the reason I’m going to leave it as a reminder.  I don’t know who (else) needs to hear this, but retail therapy is not therapy.

I’ve decided (somewhat sub-consciously) this Spring would be different. Without knowing it I’ve been making baby steps to change. It’s like something is driving me to it. I realized yesterday sometime in the last few weeks I stopped talking to a couple of people who are high strung and high maintenance. I don’t miss them. I started working out. I was meal planning prior to starting to write this. I will eventually drink 750ml of water with the same ease at which I make a bottle of red wine disappear. Maybe I’ll put the water in the wine bottle and pour from it.  Judge me if you want. This year of 2021 I will date. Ugh. Three dates in the last three years (clutch the pearls) is not conducive to developing a relationship. Yoga and meditation are a freaking challenge. I’m just not a sit still kinda girl. My body can be still, but my mind? Not so much. I’m a Scorpio, we think, over-think and re-think.  Nonetheless, I’m working on it, and actively working on change. Therapy is not a bad idea. Black folks need to get over the stigma associated with it. For real. Mental health and balance matter in an exceptional way for us as a people considering all of the trauma of the last year and half, and the residual trauma of generations embedded in our DNA.

Individually taken none of these things will make me feel happy or balanced. As a whole though, they do have the ability to help me get there. Ever notice how sometimes you feel something is missing but can’t quite put your finger on it? Then other times look up and realize without your paying attention that things around you are different? They’ve transitioned because its time. Good or bad, ready or not, they are different. I want to pay more attention to those changes. Seasons change because they change! They don’t need permission. They don’t wait for anything except their time and the balance of nature. That’s me right now. No permission. No apologies. Just transitioning through achieving balance. May you find your own.

Be. well. You matter.