Admittedly, I have some odd concepts about somethings. Even though odd, some are more common than others. Like not wanting my food to touch on my plate. I’m not the only person on the planet like that, but I admit it’s a quirk. One of the things that might be less common is that I actually have a ranking system for emotions and emotional responses. For instance- laughter. Although technically an auditory expression of an emotional state of being– I still consider it a favorite emotion. I will never stop saying laughter is hope. For me, as long as I have laughter, no matter how twisted my sense of humor may be sometimes, it means I haven’t given up. Even when, especially when I am soul tired and exhausted to the bone. I love laughter and generosity, and joy. Love and desire are complicated, but I still want them in my life.
My least favorite emotional response is passive aggression. I’ve been interested enough in psychology enough to know that people exhibit this emotional response are often insecure, have underlying unresolved anger or sadness and is often a learned behavior. Doesn’t stop me from wanting to windmill punch the shit out of someone who displays it regularly. Which means I probably have some unresolved stuff going on under the surface, lol. (Shrug) I’m still working on me. To me it comes across as a combination of pettiness and aggressiveness. Its simpler just to say what you feel and mean it. To quote Kevin Heart “Say with your chest”. Passive aggressiveness screams I don’t want to adult and deal with adult emotions. Sorry/not sorry.
Somewhere in the spectrum of emotions is pride. There are tons of sayings about pride, probably the best know is “pride goeth before a fall”. Too much pride will definitely lend itself to getting you backed into a corner you might have avoided if you had just breathed a bit and asked for help. Yet, not enough pride can get you stuck and stagnant and begging for things that would already be yours if you had just walked in your power.
I’ve had my own run-ins with pride. One of the harder lessons I had to learn was how to humble myself and ask for help. Not basic types of help. I mean, I’ll ask someone to help me move in a heartbeat, lol. I can ask for help from other nurses at work, and the tall person in the room to get the stuff off the top shelf. I’m talking about the pride that keeps you from asking for help with the things that make your soul tired and your path long. I’ve had a place in my life where I was food and housing insecure. If you’re not familiar with the term it being unsure where your next meal was going to come from. By food insecure I mean eating a lot of rice and noodles. Probably not different than struggling college kids. That stretch of pride between asking for help and drinking water to convince yourself you aren’t hungry is a long one. I wasn’t homeless and on the streets, but I was barely making rent and utilities to the point that I had to ask for charity to help me pay them a couple of times. Mind you not family charity- actual community charity organizations where I had to humble myself to explain my situation in order to get the hand out to pay my rent kind of charity. Just the way I phrased that is an indication of the sting I felt in doing it. How the hell had I ended up in a position that I needed a damn handout? That’s another story for a different blog. Could I have asked family for help with food and bills? Of course. Did I want to? Hell naw. Realistically- would you? They had their own bills to pay and families to feed. That children, is Pride.
I chose to humble myself before I fell completely on my face. Being humbled in that capacity can affect a person in a few ways. Either it breaks you (which is tragic); it makes you angry and that much less likely to ask for help when/if you need it again. Or lastly, it can teach you that you are not alone in this world and you realize that everyone needs a little help at some point. That was how I chose to take the lesson and I think I gained a little discernment in the process.
Part of adulting is learning to recognize and regulate emotions. Learning from emotional experiences, adapting and applying them so the negative ones don’t take over your life. There were all kinds of emotions and emotional responses in that whole experience with charity. A little shame. Some fear. Both in what it took to approach strangers and make the ask and in what I worried others would think if they found out. Fear and shame often go hand in hand. There was generosity and compassion shown by the people who handled my requests. Vulnerability was there. I’ve come to see vulnerability as acts of courage over the years.
The lesson for me? I’m entitled to my emotions and emotional responses, but not to get stuck in them. Your lesson? That’s for you to figure out.
Be well. You matter.
So The Redhead Said 